How do I look?

Last night I made one of the most important decisions of my life. Well…someone else made it for me rather. But, it was done. Maybe I regret it or maybe it’s for the best. But all I know is I can’t possibly get any worse than I am now. I woke up this morning to shower. I was in such a haze that I walked out of my room with my slippers on. I washed my hair twice because I couldn’t remember washing it the first time. I didn’t eat anything but a banana today and even that made me sick. I would have eaten strawberries but they are out of season. So I can’t even have my comfort food. I’ve had a headache all day, and a huge test tomorrow to study for, but I can’t even concentrate on that.

I walked out of my dorm to go to class feeling like crap this morning. I was passing the cleaning lady and she said “don’t look too enthused”. The only thing I could think of to say was “it’s been a long week”. Do I really look as terrible on the outside as I do on the inside? It just makes me wonder. We walk by hundreds of people everyday and never know what’s going on in their life. They could be going through a divorce, have an illness, mourning a death, they could have a broken heart, be failing out of college, just lost their job and you will never know. Most people smile on the outside to hide what they are crying about on the inside. Should I act all happy and smiley when inside I’m crushed? How many of those hundreds of people are smiling because they are actually happy? We will never know. What if that nice person that held the door open for you just found out that she is pregnant, or going to be a dad. What if they just got married, or got a promotion. How about won the lottery? Or maybe they just made one of the most important decisions they’ll ever have to make and they, unlike me, are smiling because of the choice they chose.